I think I would rather have my eyes popped out of my head than witness this spectacle. Usually I like to paraphrase a story but this one is worth putting full out.

A man caught jumping up and down naked on a trampoline has avoided a jail sentence.

James Burden, 55, was spotted by a neighbour in the garden of his Falkirk home at 0500 GMT on 25 March.

Falkirk Sheriff Court heard Burden had his "manhood" in one hand and a cigarette in the other when the neighbour saw him.

She called the police, and Burden was arrested and charged with shameless indecency.

Mike McMahon, prosecuting, said: "He told police he had gone out to the trampoline and had masturbated himself there."

Asked why he did it, Burden told officers: "Just for the thrill of it."

Asked why he looked at his neighbour's window, he said: "Because I had seen the light go on."

He added: "I did not intend anyone to see me."

Burden pleaded guilty to a single charge of publicly exposing his person in a shameless and indecent manner, and approaching his neighbour's house and placing the occupant in a state of fear and alarm.

He appeared for sentencing at Falkirk Sheriff Court earlier this month but attempted to withdraw his plea.

Gordon Addison, defending, said his client now claimed to have "only pled guilty to avoid the embarrassment of a trial".

Sheriff Caldwell refused to allow Burden to withdraw his guilty plea, saying he had confirmed it in court after months of legal advice, and placed him on the sex offenders register.

At the court appearance on Thursday, Sheriff William Gallacher put Burden on probation for a period of three years, and warned if he did not comply with the order, he may be "removed from the community".

He said: "I have read the reports and you will be provided with the support that you need, and it is essential the community is not faced with this sort of behaviour again.

"Breach the probation in any way and you may be removed from the community."

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A McDonald's play area is as good as any area I guess if you are going to fondle yourself in a public place. If you are going to put on a show you might as well make it a good one.

MADISON, Wis. — A 38-year-old man was arrested on Sunday for allegedly looking at pornographic images and fondling himself at a West Side McDonald's.

Madison police said Michael Baumgartner, 38, of Madison, was arrested on suspicion of lewd and lascivious behavior and disorderly conduct at about 12:45 p.m. on Sunday.

Police said he was using his laptop to look at pornographic images in a McDonald's play area on Odana Road while 15 to 20 children were playing.

According to police, one of the other parents became suspicious when it appeared the man on the computer had no children in the play area.

He told police that he saw the man looking at a pornographic image and typing with one hand, while fondling himself with the other, according to the report. It also stated that the responding officer witnessed the same behavior.

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I guess you would expect this at Walmart but I thought Target was where all of the rich people shop. You have to read the entire first story at the source. It's a wild one. I like the "clear vessel that contained fluids". Gatorade?

North Olmsted police catch man with pants down in Target parking lot NORTH OLMSTED -A man faces misdemeanor exposure charges after police caught him in his car with his pants down at a local department store. Officers charged the 63-year-old Olmsted Falls resident with indecent exposure on June 2 after witnesses saw him gratifying himself while parked outside Target on Brookpark Road.

Police arrived and surprised the suspect while he was still parked in the lot. Officers observed that he was not wearing any pants at the moment they approached the vehicle. The startled suspect told the officers he was relaxing in the car and was not wearing pants because he was hot.

A search of the man’s car uncovered several pornographic magazine photos, a bag containing women’s under garments, a handful of long brown hair and a clear vessel that contained fluids.

Man charged with indecent exposure at Upper Providence Target  UPPER PROVIDENCE — A Pottstown man allegedly exposed his genitals before walking around the Target on Ridge Pike last Thursday, police said.  According to township police, Scott Sean Russell, 33, will be charged with indecent exposure, open lewdness and disorderly conduct after the incident on June 3 that happened around 8:48 p.m. in the 1824 Ridge Pike store.

Russell allegedly pulled his genitals out of his pants and proceeded to walk around the store, police said. A 9-year-old girl visiting the store saw him and screamed, alerting her family and store employees to Russell's actions, police said.  Russell fled the store when the girl screamed, police said.

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I haven't eaten there in a very long time. James Russell Hirt thinks it's pretty good though. He was charged with indecent exposure after witness' saw him shaving his roast beef in the bushes in front of an Arby's in Iowa City.

"Witnesses told police that Hirt had his shorts pulled down and had his hand on his genitals, and that he made eye contact with them as he fondled himself. Witnesses told police that Hirt left in an RV heading eastbound, and police were able to make the stop and arrest him. Hirt denied to officers that he had his pants down."

Maybe he just had one of those toasted subs in his hands.

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Another public masturbation story. It would appear that old Glen here got caught squeezing the charmin in a local store in Louisville.

LOUISVILLE, Ky. –  A Louisville man has been charged with sexual abuse after witnesses said he masturbated in front of them. According to arrest records, Glen B. Altman, 50, was seen masturbating in a store near children and other patrons at the store on South Second Street. Witnesses said Altman went outside by a pay phone and continued masturbating. According to arrest records, the stores surveillance cameras caught this on tape.

Man Charged With Masturbating In Store

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The only positive out of this story is that it gives us all hope that we will still be able to start the car when we are old and right out it. Just like Albert Edward Ballough of Holiday, Florida. Although at that age I don't even know if taking the car out for a drive is worth the price of gas anymore. I love the date of birth: 1915/02/21

Albert Edward Ballough of 3518 Holiday Lake Drive was standing on his front porch masturbating while the boy was in his driveway, according to a report from the Pasco County Sheriff's Office. The child's mother saw Ballough and called authorities. The boy's mother said she has seen the man outside masturbating while he waved at her son, who waved back, the report said. Source

Here is his full arrest record and permalink mugshot.

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What else can you get at Walmart other than low low low prices? How about a creepy 82 year old man rubbing up against you in the check out line and preforming a little public masturbation? Hector Castro, 82 from Secaucus New Jersey was charged for rubbing up against women and masturbating through his clothing. Some reports I read said he was doing it outside the store while other said he was doing it in the check out line. Either way, I am sure it wasn't advertised in their weekly flyer. Cops have asked to get the security video. I wonder if we will ever see it?

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He was actually charged with indecent exposure amongst other things but lets call a card laid a card played. A couple of teenage girls caught him in the act of public masturbation. Keep in mind that Sawicki is a 7 year veteran of the Santa Barbara police department and was recently assigned as a burglary detective.

At approximately 3:20pm on Monday, August 10, 2009, two young teenage girls were walking along a trail near a remote beach north of Goleta when they noticed a man walking behind them. The girls walked back towards the campground and saw the same man now lying down and masturbating.

The girls immediately ran towards the campground where they alerted an on-duty State Park Ranger. While the girls were being interviewed, they saw the man again and pointed him out to the Ranger. The suspect saw the Ranger approaching and immediately ran away.  After a foot pursuit, the suspect was caught and arrested.

Park Rangers contacted the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Department to assist with the investigation. After interviewing the suspect, Sheriff’s Detectives arrested 33-year old Brian Kenneth Sawicki (DOB 2/23/76) on the following misdemeanor charges: Annoying or Molesting a Child Under 18 (647.6 PC), Indecent Exposure (314 PC), and Obstructing/Resisting a Peace Officer (148(A)(1) PC). He was booked into the Santa Barbara County Jail on $2,500 bail.

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Here are a few stories that have it all, public nudity, public masturbation, meth and booze. It's all good.

Cops in Loxely, Alabama were called to a car accident but they got there found a little more than that. It appears 23-year-old lesbian partners Chloe Vice and Tiffany Adams (pictured below) were in a bit of spat earlier in the day, decided to get drunk drive the old pickup around. When they approached the vehicle on the side of the road the noticed that a very drunk Tiffany had no shirt on and couldn't even remember where her clothes were. Nice. She got nailed for public intoxication and her partner, Chloe was hit with a DUI. Nice girls. I have a picture of Chloe but didn't want to scare anybody reading early in the morning or late at night.

Think that Jonathan Lowell of PRUNEDALE, Calif is a little Meth'd out? If he isn't then he sure is one happy man. So happy that he decided to assault his roommate and then chase his landlord around the home, while nude, and demanding oral sex from her. Police had to use a stun gun to bring him down. If you want to visit Jonathan or see his nude show stop by the 17700 block of Vierra Canyon Road. I'm not sure if he us appearing daily or not.

Have nothing to do today? Why not go down and stalk a girls cross country team and then rough up the suspects while you are at it. Hoang Hong Nguyen, a 39-year-old California man was arrested after being caught masturbating while watching a girl's cross country team. A school janitor found Nguyen near the Fountain Valley High School track exposing himself and masturbating. The janitor held him under arrest until cops arrived.

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Just when you think you aren't going to have another public masturbation story for awhile you get one dropped in your lap. Oooh, bad wording.

Most of the stories about teachers on this blog revolve around the creepy sexual predators in our school system but can you imagine what the decent ones have to go through.

17-year-old Narvon, Pa. boy is accused of exposing his genitals in the front of his English classroom and masturbating while calling out students' names, state police said. The Lancaster County teen, whose name was not disclosed because he's a juvenile, was charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct for the April 14 incident at Pequea Valley High School in Leacock Township.

Kind of gives old Oprah's "we speak your name" a whole new twist.

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