I think I would rather have my eyes popped out of my head than witness this spectacle. Usually I like to paraphrase a story but this one is worth putting full out.

A man caught jumping up and down naked on a trampoline has avoided a jail sentence.

James Burden, 55, was spotted by a neighbour in the garden of his Falkirk home at 0500 GMT on 25 March.

Falkirk Sheriff Court heard Burden had his "manhood" in one hand and a cigarette in the other when the neighbour saw him.

She called the police, and Burden was arrested and charged with shameless indecency.

Mike McMahon, prosecuting, said: "He told police he had gone out to the trampoline and had masturbated himself there."

Asked why he did it, Burden told officers: "Just for the thrill of it."

Asked why he looked at his neighbour's window, he said: "Because I had seen the light go on."

He added: "I did not intend anyone to see me."

Burden pleaded guilty to a single charge of publicly exposing his person in a shameless and indecent manner, and approaching his neighbour's house and placing the occupant in a state of fear and alarm.

He appeared for sentencing at Falkirk Sheriff Court earlier this month but attempted to withdraw his plea.

Gordon Addison, defending, said his client now claimed to have "only pled guilty to avoid the embarrassment of a trial".

Sheriff Caldwell refused to allow Burden to withdraw his guilty plea, saying he had confirmed it in court after months of legal advice, and placed him on the sex offenders register.

At the court appearance on Thursday, Sheriff William Gallacher put Burden on probation for a period of three years, and warned if he did not comply with the order, he may be "removed from the community".

He said: "I have read the reports and you will be provided with the support that you need, and it is essential the community is not faced with this sort of behaviour again.

"Breach the probation in any way and you may be removed from the community."

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A McDonald's play area is as good as any area I guess if you are going to fondle yourself in a public place. If you are going to put on a show you might as well make it a good one.

MADISON, Wis. — A 38-year-old man was arrested on Sunday for allegedly looking at pornographic images and fondling himself at a West Side McDonald's.

Madison police said Michael Baumgartner, 38, of Madison, was arrested on suspicion of lewd and lascivious behavior and disorderly conduct at about 12:45 p.m. on Sunday.

Police said he was using his laptop to look at pornographic images in a McDonald's play area on Odana Road while 15 to 20 children were playing.

According to police, one of the other parents became suspicious when it appeared the man on the computer had no children in the play area.

He told police that he saw the man looking at a pornographic image and typing with one hand, while fondling himself with the other, according to the report. It also stated that the responding officer witnessed the same behavior.

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I guess you would expect this at Walmart but I thought Target was where all of the rich people shop. You have to read the entire first story at the source. It's a wild one. I like the "clear vessel that contained fluids". Gatorade?

North Olmsted police catch man with pants down in Target parking lot NORTH OLMSTED -A man faces misdemeanor exposure charges after police caught him in his car with his pants down at a local department store. Officers charged the 63-year-old Olmsted Falls resident with indecent exposure on June 2 after witnesses saw him gratifying himself while parked outside Target on Brookpark Road.

Police arrived and surprised the suspect while he was still parked in the lot. Officers observed that he was not wearing any pants at the moment they approached the vehicle. The startled suspect told the officers he was relaxing in the car and was not wearing pants because he was hot.

A search of the man’s car uncovered several pornographic magazine photos, a bag containing women’s under garments, a handful of long brown hair and a clear vessel that contained fluids.

Man charged with indecent exposure at Upper Providence Target  UPPER PROVIDENCE — A Pottstown man allegedly exposed his genitals before walking around the Target on Ridge Pike last Thursday, police said.  According to township police, Scott Sean Russell, 33, will be charged with indecent exposure, open lewdness and disorderly conduct after the incident on June 3 that happened around 8:48 p.m. in the 1824 Ridge Pike store.

Russell allegedly pulled his genitals out of his pants and proceeded to walk around the store, police said. A 9-year-old girl visiting the store saw him and screamed, alerting her family and store employees to Russell's actions, police said.  Russell fled the store when the girl screamed, police said.

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I haven't eaten there in a very long time. James Russell Hirt thinks it's pretty good though. He was charged with indecent exposure after witness' saw him shaving his roast beef in the bushes in front of an Arby's in Iowa City.

"Witnesses told police that Hirt had his shorts pulled down and had his hand on his genitals, and that he made eye contact with them as he fondled himself. Witnesses told police that Hirt left in an RV heading eastbound, and police were able to make the stop and arrest him. Hirt denied to officers that he had his pants down."

Maybe he just had one of those toasted subs in his hands.

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Another public masturbation story. It would appear that old Glen here got caught squeezing the charmin in a local store in Louisville.

LOUISVILLE, Ky. –  A Louisville man has been charged with sexual abuse after witnesses said he masturbated in front of them. According to arrest records, Glen B. Altman, 50, was seen masturbating in a store near children and other patrons at the store on South Second Street. Witnesses said Altman went outside by a pay phone and continued masturbating. According to arrest records, the stores surveillance cameras caught this on tape.

Man Charged With Masturbating In Store

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I haven't had a good old fashioned public masturbation story in a long time and I still don't because this one is creepy six ways to Sunday. I don't know who is creepier the teacher masturbating in the classroom or the janitor that sniffed him out.

Hamilton Community Schools teacher Daniel DuPuis has been arraigned on a felony charge related to allegedly masturbating in school. A janitor found a tissue that “smelled like semen” in a wastebasket in a room at the middle school. The janitor had noted suspicious items in the trash, including a pair of “panties.” DuPuis admitted to masturbating five times in a locked office area with a glass door and a window with no shade but denied connection to the underwear, according to court records.

I love this part, another stand up Christian family man. DePuis has a wife and two small children and is a worship leader for Engedi Church in Holland, court testimony shows. The church website lists him as worship director with a B.A. in music education from Hope College.

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The only positive out of this story is that it gives us all hope that we will still be able to start the car when we are old and right out it. Just like Albert Edward Ballough of Holiday, Florida. Although at that age I don't even know if taking the car out for a drive is worth the price of gas anymore. I love the date of birth: 1915/02/21

Albert Edward Ballough of 3518 Holiday Lake Drive was standing on his front porch masturbating while the boy was in his driveway, according to a report from the Pasco County Sheriff's Office. The child's mother saw Ballough and called authorities. The boy's mother said she has seen the man outside masturbating while he waved at her son, who waved back, the report said. Source

Here is his full arrest record and permalink mugshot.

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What else can you get at Walmart other than low low low prices? How about a creepy 82 year old man rubbing up against you in the check out line and preforming a little public masturbation? Hector Castro, 82 from Secaucus New Jersey was charged for rubbing up against women and masturbating through his clothing. Some reports I read said he was doing it outside the store while other said he was doing it in the check out line. Either way, I am sure it wasn't advertised in their weekly flyer. Cops have asked to get the security video. I wonder if we will ever see it?

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He was actually charged with indecent exposure amongst other things but lets call a card laid a card played. A couple of teenage girls caught him in the act of public masturbation. Keep in mind that Sawicki is a 7 year veteran of the Santa Barbara police department and was recently assigned as a burglary detective.

At approximately 3:20pm on Monday, August 10, 2009, two young teenage girls were walking along a trail near a remote beach north of Goleta when they noticed a man walking behind them. The girls walked back towards the campground and saw the same man now lying down and masturbating.

The girls immediately ran towards the campground where they alerted an on-duty State Park Ranger. While the girls were being interviewed, they saw the man again and pointed him out to the Ranger. The suspect saw the Ranger approaching and immediately ran away.  After a foot pursuit, the suspect was caught and arrested.

Park Rangers contacted the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Department to assist with the investigation. After interviewing the suspect, Sheriff’s Detectives arrested 33-year old Brian Kenneth Sawicki (DOB 2/23/76) on the following misdemeanor charges: Annoying or Molesting a Child Under 18 (647.6 PC), Indecent Exposure (314 PC), and Obstructing/Resisting a Peace Officer (148(A)(1) PC). He was booked into the Santa Barbara County Jail on $2,500 bail.

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It must be the weather that brings all the winners out. I have never seen so many public nudity stories than I have over the past two weeks. Here are a few more that have come my way.

Lincoln, NE - Enter 19 year old Sando Hamilton, caught wandering in a public park totally nude. When caught by police he told them he was mugged and when he had no money the robber took all of his clothes instead. He later admitted that he was hot so he got in the bugg and walked around the park. When he came back to get his clothes they were gone. Hamilton was charged with making a false statement and indecent exposure. I don`t know why he just didn`t take out his wizard stick and conjure up some new clothes.

ELKHART – A 51-year-old Mishawaka man was arrested over the weekend after an off-duty police officer said he saw him walking around a crowded Rice Cemetery in the buff. When he saw the cop he took off but they tracked him down through his car tag. He told the officer he went to the cemetery to check on his in-laws’ grave. He said he had been golfing in Middlebury all day, and after getting back in the truck from visiting the grave, he took off his underwear because they were wet. While driving in the cemetery, the suspect said he saw some flowers he wanted to look at. Because he did not have his glasses on, he got out of his truck — naked — to get a closer look, he told police. He was arrested for public nudity.

San Antonio, TX – Evan Zuleger, 18, is facing charges of aggravated assault an an officer but that is not what makes the story interesting. A police offices caught Evan and his girlfriend naked in his car. When the officer flashed his lights Evan jumped behind the wheel, tried to run the officer over and then crashed his car into a pole. He then fled the scene in the buff. He also left his naked girlfriend behind. She was all too happy to hand his name over to police. Pretty happy looking guy, lost his car, his woman, his clothes and his mind.

San Mateo – A man wearing nothing but tennis shoes was with a bean bag gun and arrested for indecent exposure after two complaints of a large naked man ringing doorbells in a neighbourhood. Deputies chased Peter Allen Steele, 38, on Saturday after responding to two reports in Woodside and Portola Valley of a 6-foot-7-inch, 250-pound man ringing a doorbell and standing naked in a doorway. The man, later identified as Steele was taken to the hospital where staff there said he was observed masturbating on the gurney.  A search of his car turned up a sex toy in the form of rubber female genitalia. Steele was charged with two counts of indecent exposure, driving while under the influence, resisting arrest, trespassing, vandalism and fleeing a peace officer. Where is a picture when you need one?

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